I agree with everything you've written, Mary. I used to work as a hostess and cocktail waitress in an upscale bar/restaurant. My job -- beyond managing wait times -- really *was* the physical interaction of it all. And honestly, there's nothing more satisfying. My mind felt sharper when forced to search for in-the-moment replies to propositions, etc. ("Miss, let me take you away for the weekend." "But we couldn't do that, I'd fall in love!") I loved physically wading through a crowd to find "Sarah, with a polka dot skirt, party of 6." Occasionally, an older gentleman would place his hand on my shoulder or a drunken patron would give me a hug, unsolicited. Only rarely did I feel threatened by it -- and I always felt secure in the knowledge a coworker, with his or her myriad people skills, would know when and how to step in. I felt kind of... blessed to be in a position where my presence felt welcoming, or healing, or inviting to other human beings.
Human beings feed off of each others' energy. We need it.
Of course, now that same restaurant has QR code menus and sends text messages when a table is ready to be seated.
This may sound hopelessly old-fashioned, but — could part of the problem, pre-dating social media by at least several decades, be that we no longer have the old rituals/grammar of acknowledging each other in the street? Like, once upon a time, a man might take his hat off to a pretty girl in an overt gesture of admiration that, being codified, was also circumscribed and unthreatening? Whereas now men no longer wear hats and even if they did, they’d feel stupid doing that, so they have no recourse but to stare rudely, or avert their eyes, or at the other extreme mutter/grab/call out something obscene. I’m not saying all those things didn’t happen in the Hat days, but I do think that for a lot of men and boys, the ability to look straightforwardly at female beauty, to acknowledge it and have that acknowledgement acknowledged in turn, would assuage that pang of “rightful animality” you detected in the Toronto boy without having to scare/gross out/otherwise discomfit women and girls.
I said “once upon a time” because I’m aware that this golden age of courteous gentlemen lifting their hats to pretty flower-sellers comes to me purely from old stories, and may itself be nothing more than a nostalgic fiction…
On the other side of this, I think a lot of folks lack an education in how to approach others. At this point, if someone approaches me with a clear sense that she's within her rights to do so, but without a clear motive, my first assumption is that it's evangelization, and it usually is. Men within a stone's throw of my age are typically either so vulgar that I know it's not a real good-faith come-on, or they do this sheepish sort of thing where maybe they're following me, maybe not, maybe they're going to ask me something, but usually only if I ask if they need something and then they're kind of stuck with responding or scurrying away. I wonder how much of that is their not wanting to spook me, not being ready to face rejection, other.
There's also this additional aspect of social media where a not insignificant portion of public approach exists specifically to be filmed for a TikTok. So many of the random approaches/unscheduled bursts of friendliness in my life have lead to quality, if small friendships, but even just a few years later, I feel like a lot more folks would assume, "this is for show," that a mundane action has some sort of unseen motive that takes it out of the here and now. People are so scared of all the things others want from us beyond sharing a little slice of human recognition that it seems we can't risk it.
There's something in what you're saying here that brought to mind the reaction of a number of French women/feminists to #MeToo, the concern that policing every behavior and assuming that behind every interaction or come-on is a bad intent (or is sexual assault) is actually setting us back, creating more gender walls. I am all for establishing healthy boundaries and calling out bad behavior, and I think the move towards asking for consent is an important one. But as you note here, Mary, and I think as the French feminists were saying, there should also be room for nuance and weirdness, and in pushing back we find our strength - our "rightful animality." How else will we realize that we enjoy baring our sharp teeth sometimes?
My 18 year old daughter was aghast when I explained to her that we used to have telephone directories called the 'White Pages' in which nearly almost everyone in a town who had a land-line phone had their name, phone number, and address listed.
She simply could not conceive of a state of social equilibrium in which that would work; she thought it was a surefire recipe for widespread mayhem.
I've been think about what she said, and I'm still wondering how it all worked so well, for the most part. And I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't work anymore–we couldn't, for instance, have a lookup website with everyone's cell phone numbers and home locations listed. It would, indeed, be mayhem.
But why? What's really changed, about us, about socialization, and about boundaries and safety?
I have noticed folk much less willing to engage person-to-person since our experiences of lockdown - as if we have forgotten how to be with one another in the ways you describe. Yes, in-person exchanges can be fraught and even traumatic but mostly they're just as you say, the way in which we express our 'rightful animality' (I love that phrase and will be using it with impunity from now on - I hope you won't mind? Will make sure to credit you with it). Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm off out into the streets now, for some animalistic exchange x
"...our rightful animality." I'm going to be turning that over in my head all day. I love it. I love everything you write and am so happy to have found your Substack.
This has reminded me of many moments I have had on the street that have been very meaningful and affecting (effecting?). During the pandemic a woman at the park apologised to me for talking to me and I had to say oh but you don't have to apologise for making conversation, this is what humans do! One of the reasons, I will probably eventually leave the city I currently live in is because there's insufficient repartee on the street. The other reason is the cost of living is insane which ultimately mutes all possibility of nutrition and staying alive to make any conversation. Ho, hum.
Nice men need to hear about the awful public encounters women experience. In my case they started at the age of about 11... yeah, dads, you read that right, eleven years old. I wonder if there are men who do approach genuine adult women who are taken aback when we might react negatively, who might understand better if they knew what we all have gone through on the streets.
I probably turned down a few nice men who paid me kindly compliments on the subway or seeing me alone in a restaurant, but it is hard to tell. I've had nice men intervene in some negative experiences, tell a rude guy to go away and leave me alone. But then the nice men also went away and left me alone! That was their perfect opportunity.
It's difficult. Sometimes I wonder how anyone ever finds anyone. My friends who have married in the last twenty years (I've given up) to nice men all found them through match.com. To me that just seems an absurd way to meet people, unless you have time to go out with every single one of them and a firm commitment to yourself to politely reject any who are obviously not right on the first date.
I don't completely disagree with what you're saying, but there is definitely more nuance to this. While your experiences no doubt helped you to identify your boundaries and learn how to act in public, I can't imagine it is meaningful or even practical for all women to learn these things from having her crotch grabbed at. There must be a space of acceptable physical approach between sexual harassment and no contact that we haven't mastered yet societally; many of the scenarios you mention fall in this. Maybe it's just a matter of personality or personal preference, but I am okay with losing this chance to express my "rightful animality" especially if it means more women feel comfortable in public.
Social media has become the new norm unfortunately. I think a lot of people (myself included) are usually uncomfortable when someone approaches us on the street, but sometimes they bring the best out of us, but also shows that men have a lot to learn and grow up
I agree with everything you've written, Mary. I used to work as a hostess and cocktail waitress in an upscale bar/restaurant. My job -- beyond managing wait times -- really *was* the physical interaction of it all. And honestly, there's nothing more satisfying. My mind felt sharper when forced to search for in-the-moment replies to propositions, etc. ("Miss, let me take you away for the weekend." "But we couldn't do that, I'd fall in love!") I loved physically wading through a crowd to find "Sarah, with a polka dot skirt, party of 6." Occasionally, an older gentleman would place his hand on my shoulder or a drunken patron would give me a hug, unsolicited. Only rarely did I feel threatened by it -- and I always felt secure in the knowledge a coworker, with his or her myriad people skills, would know when and how to step in. I felt kind of... blessed to be in a position where my presence felt welcoming, or healing, or inviting to other human beings.
Human beings feed off of each others' energy. We need it.
Of course, now that same restaurant has QR code menus and sends text messages when a table is ready to be seated.
This may sound hopelessly old-fashioned, but — could part of the problem, pre-dating social media by at least several decades, be that we no longer have the old rituals/grammar of acknowledging each other in the street? Like, once upon a time, a man might take his hat off to a pretty girl in an overt gesture of admiration that, being codified, was also circumscribed and unthreatening? Whereas now men no longer wear hats and even if they did, they’d feel stupid doing that, so they have no recourse but to stare rudely, or avert their eyes, or at the other extreme mutter/grab/call out something obscene. I’m not saying all those things didn’t happen in the Hat days, but I do think that for a lot of men and boys, the ability to look straightforwardly at female beauty, to acknowledge it and have that acknowledgement acknowledged in turn, would assuage that pang of “rightful animality” you detected in the Toronto boy without having to scare/gross out/otherwise discomfit women and girls.
I said “once upon a time” because I’m aware that this golden age of courteous gentlemen lifting their hats to pretty flower-sellers comes to me purely from old stories, and may itself be nothing more than a nostalgic fiction…
On the other side of this, I think a lot of folks lack an education in how to approach others. At this point, if someone approaches me with a clear sense that she's within her rights to do so, but without a clear motive, my first assumption is that it's evangelization, and it usually is. Men within a stone's throw of my age are typically either so vulgar that I know it's not a real good-faith come-on, or they do this sheepish sort of thing where maybe they're following me, maybe not, maybe they're going to ask me something, but usually only if I ask if they need something and then they're kind of stuck with responding or scurrying away. I wonder how much of that is their not wanting to spook me, not being ready to face rejection, other.
There's also this additional aspect of social media where a not insignificant portion of public approach exists specifically to be filmed for a TikTok. So many of the random approaches/unscheduled bursts of friendliness in my life have lead to quality, if small friendships, but even just a few years later, I feel like a lot more folks would assume, "this is for show," that a mundane action has some sort of unseen motive that takes it out of the here and now. People are so scared of all the things others want from us beyond sharing a little slice of human recognition that it seems we can't risk it.
There's something in what you're saying here that brought to mind the reaction of a number of French women/feminists to #MeToo, the concern that policing every behavior and assuming that behind every interaction or come-on is a bad intent (or is sexual assault) is actually setting us back, creating more gender walls. I am all for establishing healthy boundaries and calling out bad behavior, and I think the move towards asking for consent is an important one. But as you note here, Mary, and I think as the French feminists were saying, there should also be room for nuance and weirdness, and in pushing back we find our strength - our "rightful animality." How else will we realize that we enjoy baring our sharp teeth sometimes?
My 18 year old daughter was aghast when I explained to her that we used to have telephone directories called the 'White Pages' in which nearly almost everyone in a town who had a land-line phone had their name, phone number, and address listed.
She simply could not conceive of a state of social equilibrium in which that would work; she thought it was a surefire recipe for widespread mayhem.
I've been think about what she said, and I'm still wondering how it all worked so well, for the most part. And I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't work anymore–we couldn't, for instance, have a lookup website with everyone's cell phone numbers and home locations listed. It would, indeed, be mayhem.
But why? What's really changed, about us, about socialization, and about boundaries and safety?
I have noticed folk much less willing to engage person-to-person since our experiences of lockdown - as if we have forgotten how to be with one another in the ways you describe. Yes, in-person exchanges can be fraught and even traumatic but mostly they're just as you say, the way in which we express our 'rightful animality' (I love that phrase and will be using it with impunity from now on - I hope you won't mind? Will make sure to credit you with it). Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm off out into the streets now, for some animalistic exchange x
"...our rightful animality." I'm going to be turning that over in my head all day. I love it. I love everything you write and am so happy to have found your Substack.
Thank you Mary. Love this new sub stack so much.
This has reminded me of many moments I have had on the street that have been very meaningful and affecting (effecting?). During the pandemic a woman at the park apologised to me for talking to me and I had to say oh but you don't have to apologise for making conversation, this is what humans do! One of the reasons, I will probably eventually leave the city I currently live in is because there's insufficient repartee on the street. The other reason is the cost of living is insane which ultimately mutes all possibility of nutrition and staying alive to make any conversation. Ho, hum.
Nice men need to hear about the awful public encounters women experience. In my case they started at the age of about 11... yeah, dads, you read that right, eleven years old. I wonder if there are men who do approach genuine adult women who are taken aback when we might react negatively, who might understand better if they knew what we all have gone through on the streets.
I probably turned down a few nice men who paid me kindly compliments on the subway or seeing me alone in a restaurant, but it is hard to tell. I've had nice men intervene in some negative experiences, tell a rude guy to go away and leave me alone. But then the nice men also went away and left me alone! That was their perfect opportunity.
It's difficult. Sometimes I wonder how anyone ever finds anyone. My friends who have married in the last twenty years (I've given up) to nice men all found them through match.com. To me that just seems an absurd way to meet people, unless you have time to go out with every single one of them and a firm commitment to yourself to politely reject any who are obviously not right on the first date.
So...I've opted out.
It is part of our entirely fear based society.
I don't completely disagree with what you're saying, but there is definitely more nuance to this. While your experiences no doubt helped you to identify your boundaries and learn how to act in public, I can't imagine it is meaningful or even practical for all women to learn these things from having her crotch grabbed at. There must be a space of acceptable physical approach between sexual harassment and no contact that we haven't mastered yet societally; many of the scenarios you mention fall in this. Maybe it's just a matter of personality or personal preference, but I am okay with losing this chance to express my "rightful animality" especially if it means more women feel comfortable in public.
I wonder if, in large part, cities are not responsible for much of the angst. 'Mean Twitter' trolls networking the not-so-social street.
Social media has become the new norm unfortunately. I think a lot of people (myself included) are usually uncomfortable when someone approaches us on the street, but sometimes they bring the best out of us, but also shows that men have a lot to learn and grow up